Fuck everything I ever said before.
I am struggling right now. I am struggling to see the difference between a friend and an acquaintance, a bold decision and a cry for help, silence and sanity and true happiness and ignorance and denial.
I am lost genuinely lost, but the most ironic part about all of it is that I am learning so much every single day. Learning more than I ever did when I was "happy"...
My life is a whirlwind right now cycloning out of control and I hate that I find comfort in that, but I do. I really do. I find sanity in chaos and that is a lifestyle I am not going to allow myself to partake in anymore.
I am making changes. Not huge changes like moving away or deleting every social network I belong to. I am making real changes. I am going to do things that make me happy. Things that make me giggle or feel warm inside; that give me butterflies. Things that I genuinely enjoy.
I enjoy making other people feel good about themselves. I enjoy letting people know that they have someone who notices them. I enjoy the rain. I enjoy drawing. I enjoy seeing old friends. I enjoy making myself feel pretty. I enjoy the little things in life.
Tonight, I went to a "friends" page (on facebook of course) and I noticed she had posted a link to her blog. Out of pure curiosity of what this girl could possibly have to say I clicked on it... After looking over all of it I found myself upset that it was so short. This girl was a beautiful girl, but more importantly she was full of life; I could feel it. This of course led me to reading her past posts on her page and I was taken back by how content this girl was in her life. Someone who is attached to a few networking sites and probably sees the same bullshit posts everyday that I do by the same hollow people that pop up on my newsfeed. She was happy. She was pure. She has devoted her life to fashion and it is obvious. Not because she said it but because she showed you. I am not one to ever speak on behalf of what is in style and what is not, but this girl is by far one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever come across and for that I believe that what she is wearing is without a doubt "in fashion"...
Its one thing to wear passion, and love on your sleeve, but when you portray a sense of true beauty on your sleeve that is when I feel that you have reached a plateau. A sense of understanding with the universe around you that people will probably never ever reach and for that reason exactly do I not only envy this person, but I have finally found my motivation to live a little more. To stop trying to make everything make sense and to stop trying so hard to keep up with the world around me.
I have finally found the motivation to live for... Me.