Saturday, July 31, 2010

Lost, But Not Yet Found

I'm sorry I'm so different from you. I'm sorry that we are so different. I'm sorry that I don't understand you the way that you deserve to be understood. I genuinely don't see things the way that you do. I think this thing has done numerous things to our friendship; some good some bad. One thing I do know is that I can't relate to your situation. Even though I feel as if I've been through every kind of relationship known to man I have never given my heart away for 6 years. I've never been able to love someone that long. I'm sorry that I get frustrated with you for being sad. It's unfair of me and I will never again try to tell you how you should be reacting to this situation. I'm sorry that I expect so much from you. I think it's still the fear I have of you leaving, but It's something that is unfortunately out of my control. I've tried. I'm sorry I may not give credit where credit is due and I'm sorry that I make you feel less than what you are. You're more than you will ever imagine to me. I'm sorry that one day you and I will be forced to go our separate ways because we are so different.

You're not the only one who doesn't know how to express the way you feel. For once in my life I feel out of control. Not out of control of a certain situation, but of my own life, of my own actions and my own emotions. For the second time in my life, Im lost.

Friday, July 30, 2010

A Modern Mans Hustle

11:11? Casual conversation? 6 years ago? Really? I don't know how to take this but I am sure of one thing, I'm not going to over analyze this one. I have no idea what any of this means. I just know it means something. I refuse to make this situation priority and I refuse to evoke opinions out of people. For once, I don't want to hear them. When everything falls into place I will be the only judgement call.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Latch Key Kid

It's funny how you can forget about music; certain bands or genres. You completely leave them behind as if they were a person you just got tired of spending time with all because something else came along. 
I was shuffling through my iTunes the other day and came across a song that stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't imagine how I had forgotten about it. 
I genuinely believe that you don't miss something until you notice that it's gone, but how did I not notice that it was gone?  All I can think about is where was I when things were changing, where was I when I made this transition.. 

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


It's when I'm driving home and the sun is just about to sneak behind the mountains that everything gets put into perspective for me. That's when I realize that no matter how my day goes, no matter what it is I spend my time doing, the sun will still rise in the morning and set in the evening. I spend a lot of time telling people, "life is going to keep moving whether you want it to or not" or "your life is going on around you and you need to be present in it because you're missing out on your own life". I say those words over and over but it isn't until the sun sets that I really listen to what they mean. It isn't until an orange sky shines through my car windows that I actually hear what I'm always trying to instill in people. 
This is it.. This is my life. These are the
moments that count, that really make a difference and I often times forget to live through them. I forget to be alive in my own life. 
So as the sun finally drops behind the mountains I take a deep breath and remember that living isn't always just getting up in the morning and functioning. It's the actual act of feeling alive...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

One Of Those Days

I'm sad. Just today. For some reason that I can't put a finger on. I just feel empty. I just feel sad.

Monday, July 26, 2010

A Summer Night

I sit outside at dusk with my best friends laughing about the silly things that genuinely hold no importance in our lives and smoking cigarettes to pass the time that already seems to be moving too quickly. While our lives are at huge turning points that none of us seem to be able to get a grip on; we still make time for this. Although they are not the same turning points by any means that is where the beauty is in it. Even though each of our lives are significantly changing we can still sit down, in the backyard of our home, and appreciate that the only thing we can possibly make sense of at the moment is that we love each other for every mistake, every flaw, every moment and every uplift we each bring to the table.
Although I cannot make sense of anything except for the fact that I am entirely in love with these people I would never trade it for any oounce of knowledge this universe has to offer. I trade my sanity in for priceless summer nights and I am entirely content with that.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Have Heart

So I have no Facebook. I deleted it so I could give myself a chance to get back into reality. To join the world. Technology and social networking has cocooned my life along with everyone elses life that surrounds me. I want to have real conversation. I want to have intimate relationships with the people in my life. Relationships that matter that consist of matter. That consist of realness. I'm ready to make changes and I'm willing to do anything that I need to do in order to allow those changes to happen. I want more. More life.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Loud and Clear

What do you do when you don't fit in with the people you have called your "friends" for years?
This is my que.. To move. To start over.
Thank you ANITC..

Friday, July 23, 2010

Ready. Set. Alone.

I am learning to do things by myself. For as long as I can remember I have never been able to do or go anywhere by myself. I would get genuinely upset when I had to ride in my car alone or show up somewhere by myself. I would decide against going to the store to buy shampoo, even if I had already run out, just because I couldn't find anyone to ride along.
Now, I am forced to do things alone. Drive to work, to classes and to social events because the people around me are growing into their own lives and in all reality don't have time anymore to worry about if my shampoo bottles will still be empty by the end of the day.
I'm ready to grow into my life. I want to learn how to appreciate the time spent with myself. I'm ready to branch off and start a life I can actually call my own.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Kidd Kraddick in the morning has officially kicked this day off to a great start!

So Here's the Deal..

I have made a decision to write in my blog every single day for one full year. Yeah I'm sure it's been done before by a thousand different people, but to be honest, at this point I need something to depend on.
At the end of this 365 days I hope to finally be able to make sense of things. Make sense of the life I'm living and the people around me. For the most part, I want to be able to make sense of who I am as a human being.
When I can't seem to find stability in my job, my schooling or my own every day life I know that I can at least unfold here on a blank page at the end of every day. .

Here we go...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Today is the day that I start my blog. A solid concrete path into my endless thought process. Today is the day that I have let go of what I cannot change and try to live in the present day of my life. The day that I begin to become alive in my life; the life that is going on right now at this moment. Today is the day that I begin to make changes.