Monday, April 18, 2011

Mediocre At Best

It's the simple things like great make up sex followed by driving to a best friends house on a nice day,  a full tank of gas, the windows down, good music blaring and cigarette in hand that make life worth while. 

Monday, October 18, 2010

Fuck everything I ever said before.
I am struggling right now. I am struggling to see the difference between a friend and an acquaintance, a bold decision and a cry for help, silence and sanity and true happiness and ignorance and denial.
I am lost genuinely lost, but the most ironic part about all of it is that I am learning so much every single day. Learning more than I ever did when I was "happy"...
My life is a whirlwind right now cycloning out of control and I hate that I find comfort in that, but I do. I really do. I find sanity in chaos and that is a lifestyle I am not going to allow myself to partake in anymore.
I am making changes. Not huge changes like moving away or deleting every social network I belong to. I am making real changes. I am going to do things that make me happy. Things that make me giggle or feel warm inside; that give me butterflies. Things that I genuinely enjoy.
I enjoy making other people feel good about themselves. I enjoy letting people know that they have someone who notices them. I enjoy the rain. I enjoy drawing. I enjoy seeing old friends. I enjoy making myself feel pretty. I enjoy the little things in life.
Tonight, I went to a "friends" page (on facebook of course) and I noticed she had posted a link to her blog. Out of pure curiosity of what this girl could possibly have to say I clicked on it... After looking over all of it I found myself upset that it was so short. This girl was a beautiful girl, but more importantly she was full of life; I could feel it. This of course led me to reading her past posts on her page and I was taken back by how content this girl was in her life. Someone who is attached to a few networking sites and probably sees the same bullshit posts everyday that I do by the same hollow people that pop up on my newsfeed. She was happy. She was pure. She has devoted her life to fashion and it is obvious. Not because she said it but because she showed you. I am not one to ever speak on behalf of what is in style and what is not, but this girl is by far one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever come across and for that I believe that what she is wearing is without a doubt "in fashion"...
Its one thing to wear passion, and love on your sleeve, but when you portray a sense of true beauty on your sleeve that is when I feel that you have reached a plateau. A sense of understanding with the universe around you that people will probably never ever reach and for that reason exactly do I not only envy this person, but I have finally found my motivation to live a little more. To stop trying to make everything make sense and to stop trying so hard to keep up with the world around me.
I have finally found the motivation to live for... Me.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ignorance Is Bliss

I've noticed that I haven't read and I haven't blogged much since I started this new adventure in my life. I don't know what that signifies, but what I've also noticed is that I have more drive now to do something with my life than I did before. So, I may not do the things that I told myself I would dedicate time to, but I am branching out in a new direction of moving forward. I guess it has to have a bitter-sweet meaning.
Days are too long and nights don't come easy. My stomach turns at the thought of "time" and "patience" but I know in the end this will make me a stronger person whether the ending is a fairy tale or a disappointment. It's taking all my strength all ready as it is, but clearly I can't give up; can't let go. I keep finding strength that I didn't know I had. Strength I never thought I was capable of possessing.
Music seems like my only friend. The only thing that understands how I'm feeling. Granted, I couldn't even begin to explain to someone the way that I'm feeling, but for the first time I don't know if I want someone to "get it". For the first time in a long time the feel of misery almost makes me feel alive. I feel alive in a sense and I think it's about time I kick back and enjoy it.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Which Way Is Up?

Okay.. So, I messed up. It's been a week since I last wrote in my blog. I have already gone against what I wanted to do with this, but I believe everything works itself out and everything happens for some reason or another. In a week I have done a lot of evaluating (as always) and I am proud to say I have found some sort of path. Although things are still a beautiful disaster in this thing that I call My Life I do have direction now. At least more direction than I did before. I am happy to say that I am on my way to being being happy.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Half Full

Today is one of those days.
One of those days when life makes sense or it at least seems like it.

For years I thought that I had it all figured out. I thought that I had my life down to a science. I was convinced no one could unlock a door that I hadn't already opened; already explored. There wasn't a person in this world that could tell me something I didn't already know when it came to my story. Not until today.
Today I realized that some doors are within other doors that I already ran through, decided I had had enough and shut them without a second thought. There was good reason for it though. I was always in a hurry. Always rushing to see what was next. This time, now that I have finally found patience the universe is finally ready to walk me through all of previously opened realms and show me all the things that I missed; that I rushed passed. 

Between my family, my friends (some old some new) and myself I have found new paths and new insights. I may not be anywhere near figuring everything out or even knowing where to start for that matter, but it has given me back the hope and faith that I thought was gone in my journey of finding Me.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Lost, But Not Yet Found

I'm sorry I'm so different from you. I'm sorry that we are so different. I'm sorry that I don't understand you the way that you deserve to be understood. I genuinely don't see things the way that you do. I think this thing has done numerous things to our friendship; some good some bad. One thing I do know is that I can't relate to your situation. Even though I feel as if I've been through every kind of relationship known to man I have never given my heart away for 6 years. I've never been able to love someone that long. I'm sorry that I get frustrated with you for being sad. It's unfair of me and I will never again try to tell you how you should be reacting to this situation. I'm sorry that I expect so much from you. I think it's still the fear I have of you leaving, but It's something that is unfortunately out of my control. I've tried. I'm sorry I may not give credit where credit is due and I'm sorry that I make you feel less than what you are. You're more than you will ever imagine to me. I'm sorry that one day you and I will be forced to go our separate ways because we are so different.

You're not the only one who doesn't know how to express the way you feel. For once in my life I feel out of control. Not out of control of a certain situation, but of my own life, of my own actions and my own emotions. For the second time in my life, Im lost.