Fuck everything I ever said before.
I am struggling right now. I am struggling to see the difference between a friend and an acquaintance, a bold decision and a cry for help, silence and sanity and true happiness and ignorance and denial.
I am lost genuinely lost, but the most ironic part about all of it is that I am learning so much every single day. Learning more than I ever did when I was "happy"...
My life is a whirlwind right now cycloning out of control and I hate that I find comfort in that, but I do. I really do. I find sanity in chaos and that is a lifestyle I am not going to allow myself to partake in anymore.
I am making changes. Not huge changes like moving away or deleting every social network I belong to. I am making real changes. I am going to do things that make me happy. Things that make me giggle or feel warm inside; that give me butterflies. Things that I genuinely enjoy.
I enjoy making other people feel good about themselves. I enjoy letting people know that they have someone who notices them. I enjoy the rain. I enjoy drawing. I enjoy seeing old friends. I enjoy making myself feel pretty. I enjoy the little things in life.
Tonight, I went to a "friends" page (on facebook of course) and I noticed she had posted a link to her blog. Out of pure curiosity of what this girl could possibly have to say I clicked on it... After looking over all of it I found myself upset that it was so short. This girl was a beautiful girl, but more importantly she was full of life; I could feel it. This of course led me to reading her past posts on her page and I was taken back by how content this girl was in her life. Someone who is attached to a few networking sites and probably sees the same bullshit posts everyday that I do by the same hollow people that pop up on my newsfeed. She was happy. She was pure. She has devoted her life to fashion and it is obvious. Not because she said it but because she showed you. I am not one to ever speak on behalf of what is in style and what is not, but this girl is by far one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever come across and for that I believe that what she is wearing is without a doubt "in fashion"...
Its one thing to wear passion, and love on your sleeve, but when you portray a sense of true beauty on your sleeve that is when I feel that you have reached a plateau. A sense of understanding with the universe around you that people will probably never ever reach and for that reason exactly do I not only envy this person, but I have finally found my motivation to live a little more. To stop trying to make everything make sense and to stop trying so hard to keep up with the world around me.
I have finally found the motivation to live for... Me.

Ignorance Is Bliss

I've noticed that I haven't read and I haven't blogged much since I started this new adventure in my life. I don't know what that signifies, but what I've also noticed is that I have more drive now to do something with my life than I did before. So, I may not do the things that I told myself I would dedicate time to, but I am branching out in a new direction of moving forward. I guess it has to have a bitter-sweet meaning.
Days are too long and nights don't come easy. My stomach turns at the thought of "time" and "patience" but I know in the end this will make me a stronger person whether the ending is a fairy tale or a disappointment. It's taking all my strength all ready as it is, but clearly I can't give up; can't let go. I keep finding strength that I didn't know I had. Strength I never thought I was capable of possessing.
Music seems like my only friend. The only thing that understands how I'm feeling. Granted, I couldn't even begin to explain to someone the way that I'm feeling, but for the first time I don't know if I want someone to "get it". For the first time in a long time the feel of misery almost makes me feel alive. I feel alive in a sense and I think it's about time I kick back and enjoy it.

Which Way Is Up?

Okay.. So, I messed up. It's been a week since I last wrote in my blog. I have already gone against what I wanted to do with this, but I believe everything works itself out and everything happens for some reason or another. In a week I have done a lot of evaluating (as always) and I am proud to say I have found some sort of path. Although things are still a beautiful disaster in this thing that I call My Life I do have direction now. At least more direction than I did before. I am happy to say that I am on my way to being being happy.

It's Still Monday, I Haven't Gone To Sleep Yet...

I'm broken.

Half Full

Today is one of those days.
One of those days when life makes sense or it at least seems like it.

For years I thought that I had it all figured out. I thought that I had my life down to a science. I was convinced no one could unlock a door that I hadn't already opened; already explored. There wasn't a person in this world that could tell me something I didn't already know when it came to my story. Not until today.
Today I realized that some doors are within other doors that I already ran through, decided I had had enough and shut them without a second thought. There was good reason for it though. I was always in a hurry. Always rushing to see what was next. This time, now that I have finally found patience the universe is finally ready to walk me through all of previously opened realms and show me all the things that I missed; that I rushed passed. 

Between my family, my friends (some old some new) and myself I have found new paths and new insights. I may not be anywhere near figuring everything out or even knowing where to start for that matter, but it has given me back the hope and faith that I thought was gone in my journey of finding Me.

Lost, But Not Yet Found

I'm sorry I'm so different from you. I'm sorry that we are so different. I'm sorry that I don't understand you the way that you deserve to be understood. I genuinely don't see things the way that you do. I think this thing has done numerous things to our friendship; some good some bad. One thing I do know is that I can't relate to your situation. Even though I feel as if I've been through every kind of relationship known to man I have never given my heart away for 6 years. I've never been able to love someone that long. I'm sorry that I get frustrated with you for being sad. It's unfair of me and I will never again try to tell you how you should be reacting to this situation. I'm sorry that I expect so much from you. I think it's still the fear I have of you leaving, but It's something that is unfortunately out of my control. I've tried. I'm sorry I may not give credit where credit is due and I'm sorry that I make you feel less than what you are. You're more than you will ever imagine to me. I'm sorry that one day you and I will be forced to go our separate ways because we are so different.


You're not the only one who doesn't know how to express the way you feel. For once in my life I feel out of control. Not out of control of a certain situation, but of my own life, of my own actions and my own emotions. For the second time in my life, Im lost.

A Modern Mans Hustle

11:11? Casual conversation? 6 years ago? Really? I don't know how to take this but I am sure of one thing, I'm not going to over analyze this one. I have no idea what any of this means. I just know it means something. I refuse to make this situation priority and I refuse to evoke opinions out of people. For once, I don't want to hear them. When everything falls into place I will be the only judgement call.

Latch Key Kid

It's funny how you can forget about music; certain bands or genres. You completely leave them behind as if they were a person you just got tired of spending time with all because something else came along. 
I was shuffling through my iTunes the other day and came across a song that stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't imagine how I had forgotten about it. 
I genuinely believe that you don't miss something until you notice that it's gone, but how did I not notice that it was gone?  All I can think about is where was I when things were changing, where was I when I made this transition.. 

Awake

It's when I'm driving home and the sun is just about to sneak behind the mountains that everything gets put into perspective for me. That's when I realize that no matter how my day goes, no matter what it is I spend my time doing, the sun will still rise in the morning and set in the evening. I spend a lot of time telling people, "life is going to keep moving whether you want it to or not" or "your life is going on around you and you need to be present in it because you're missing out on your own life". I say those words over and over but it isn't until the sun sets that I really listen to what they mean. It isn't until an orange sky shines through my car windows that I actually hear what I'm always trying to instill in people. 
This is it.. This is my life. These are the
moments that count, that really make a difference and I often times forget to live through them. I forget to be alive in my own life. 
So as the sun finally drops behind the mountains I take a deep breath and remember that living isn't always just getting up in the morning and functioning. It's the actual act of feeling alive...

One Of Those Days

I'm sad. Just today. For some reason that I can't put a finger on. I just feel empty. I just feel sad.

A Summer Night

I sit outside at dusk with my best friends laughing about the silly things that genuinely hold no importance in our lives and smoking cigarettes to pass the time that already seems to be moving too quickly. While our lives are at huge turning points that none of us seem to be able to get a grip on; we still make time for this. Although they are not the same turning points by any means that is where the beauty is in it. Even though each of our lives are significantly changing we can still sit down, in the backyard of our home, and appreciate that the only thing we can possibly make sense of at the moment is that we love each other for every mistake, every flaw, every moment and every uplift we each bring to the table.
Although I cannot make sense of anything except for the fact that I am entirely in love with these people I would never trade it for any oounce of knowledge this universe has to offer. I trade my sanity in for priceless summer nights and I am entirely content with that.

Have Heart

So I have no Facebook. I deleted it so I could give myself a chance to get back into reality. To join the world. Technology and social networking has cocooned my life along with everyone elses life that surrounds me. I want to have real conversation. I want to have intimate relationships with the people in my life. Relationships that matter that consist of matter. That consist of realness. I'm ready to make changes and I'm willing to do anything that I need to do in order to allow those changes to happen. I want more. More life.

Loud and Clear

What do you do when you don't fit in with the people you have called your "friends" for years?
This is my que.. To move. To start over.
Thank you ANITC..

Ready. Set. Alone.

I am learning to do things by myself. For as long as I can remember I have never been able to do or go anywhere by myself. I would get genuinely upset when I had to ride in my car alone or show up somewhere by myself. I would decide against going to the store to buy shampoo, even if I had already run out, just because I couldn't find anyone to ride along.
Now, I am forced to do things alone. Drive to work, to classes and to social events because the people around me are growing into their own lives and in all reality don't have time anymore to worry about if my shampoo bottles will still be empty by the end of the day.
I'm ready to grow into my life. I want to learn how to appreciate the time spent with myself. I'm ready to branch off and start a life I can actually call my own.

A.M.

Kidd Kraddick in the morning has officially kicked this day off to a great start!

So Here's the Deal..

I have made a decision to write in my blog every single day for one full year. Yeah I'm sure it's been done before by a thousand different people, but to be honest, at this point I need something to depend on.
At the end of this 365 days I hope to finally be able to make sense of things. Make sense of the life I'm living and the people around me. For the most part, I want to be able to make sense of who I am as a human being.
When I can't seem to find stability in my job, my schooling or my own every day life I know that I can at least unfold here on a blank page at the end of every day. .

Here we go...

Today..

Today is the day that I start my blog. A solid concrete path into my endless thought process. Today is the day that I have let go of what I cannot change and try to live in the present day of my life. The day that I begin to become alive in my life; the life that is going on right now at this moment. Today is the day that I begin to make changes.